What Great Listeners Do Differently

Are you a good listener? Your initial response might be to say “Why yes!  Of course!”. When someone speaks to you, asks a question, offers instruction, calls out a warning, you hear, and you respond accordingly. But there is so much more to listening than simply hearing and responding. Research indicates that the average person listens with only 25 percent efficiency – meaning there’s a lot we let go in one ear and out the other. Listening is a skill all of us can work on and below are a few simple ideas and tips that set great listeners apart from the rest.

Listening to Hear

It’s easy to wrongly assume hearing and listening are interchangeable acts. There is a difference, and that difference can set leaders apart from the rest. Hearing is passive, unavoidable in most cases. Hearing something can serve to warn us, comfort us, and enhance our lives. Music, that annoying traffic noise outside of your office, your spouse’s snoring, your child’s laughter, all enter your awareness because of your ability to hear.

To communicate effectively, we all have to take Stephen Covey’s advice and master the art of “listening to understand” rather than just listening to respond.

Listening involves processing what the other person is saying, and not just waiting for them to finish their thought so you may respond. Many times, an immediate response isn’t even warranted.

Good Listeners Are Priceless

A good listener is someone others want to be around. Someone who actually listens with the intent to understand, empathizes, and allows you to make your point is respected as much as they are respectful. An individual who practices listening as a partner, friend, boss, or coworker is invaluable.

So what makes a good listener? And what can someone who desires to have good listening skills do to hone those skills? Many people assume they’re listening, but in reality, they aren’t even close. Identify your level of listening below and follow the suggestions for ways to polish your listening skills.

Listening, like other skills can be developed through practice, or lost if not used regularly. Good listeners focus on what they are hearing. They pause to think about what they’ve heard before responding. They ask questions because they want to know the answers, not just to keep the conversation going.

Signs of A Good Listener

A good listener exhibits open body language, and they focus on what they are hearing. They’re engaged with the speaker and not looking around, interrupting, or waiting for the opportunity to “jump in”. They pause to think about what they’ve heard before responding. They ask questions because they want to know the answers, not just to keep the conversation going.

Observe someone as you speak. Does the other person appear interested what the person has to say? Or does he or she give the impression of a racehorse, at the gate, ready to run with a thought, a rebuttal, or to the nearest computer to check email? What is your behavior when you listen to someone?

Practice being a good listener by looking the speaker in the eye. If you’re listening on the phone, give the person your full attention. Don’t “multi-task.” Use open body language with your arms at your sides, not crossed in front of you. A relaxed posture not only communicates to the speaker that you’re listening, but it also cues your own subconscious as you open up to receive what is being shared. Quiet the chatter in your head. Stop forming a response and really pay attention.  Practicing mindfulness can help you hone the tools you need to be present in the moment and actually hear what the speaker is expressing.

When the speaker has finished making a point, repeat the point back to him or her, in your words, as you understand it. Allow the speaker to correct you if necessary, to make sure you’re truly hearing what is being said. Understand that the other person may not be seeking advice. If asked for advice, draw from your experience, and not your opinions. A good listener is respectful of the other person, but may also be very busy him- or herself. If you can’t be “all in” find a way to schedule some one-on-one time for an engaged conversation with the other person.

Signs of an Occasional Listener

Most of us fall into this category. Blame social media and cable news for this one. You may start out intending to understand what the other person is saying, but your attention span is more in tune with the 30 second sound bite. We’ve all been conditioned to think multi-tasking is the only way to get things done, and we aren’t mindful of the moment, but, rather several minutes ahead of the moment.

Occasional listeners may exhibit the body language or a half-hearted attempt. They may not necessarily ask the pertinent questions, and they may jump right in with a reply that probably isn’t what the speaker desires. An occasional listener may appear to close down to what’s being said, even before the point has been made.

The good news is an occasional listener possesses the very skills necessary to become a good listener. This is exemplified by the eye contact, body language, and questions asked for clarification purposes. Continue to work on your listening skills by eliminating any assumptions you’re prone to make from your thoughts. Instead, ask questions that need more than a yes-or-no answer. This will further engage the speaker and your listening skills. Look to them for non-verbal cues. Watch their facial expressions, lean in and observe their body language, maintain eye contact and observe if it’s being mirrored. Most of all, practice waiting until the speaker has finished, then take the time to digest what’s been said before you automatically answer.

Signs Your Listening Skills Need Work

 For some, listening is a real challenge. People are preoccupied with work, their ever-present and unfinished to-do list, or just about anything else, except what’s going on in the present moment. Poor listeners override the conversation, inserting their opinions, and don’t engage enough to respond in kind. The poor listener tends to make statements instead, fails to make eye contact and changes the subject to suit his or her degree of comfortability or interest?

As with most personal failings and shortcomings, admitting there is a problem is essential to changing your behavior. Pay attention to those you consider to be good listeners and compare yourself honestly. Do you interrupt frequently? Do you consider what’s being said before you reply? Are you thinking about your email, last night’s big game, or your grocery list instead of the points the speaker is trying to make? Do you mentally walk away when the topic is uncomfortable or awkward?

If you recognize more of yourself in these characteristics, then you probably want to hone your listening skills. Practice mindfulness, learn to be in the moment and value silence. Don’t speak right away. You and the speaker should take the time to reflect on what was said. Whenever you feel the need to interrupt, mentally pull back, re-engage by making eye contact, and focus on listening. Never, ever attempt to multi-task and listen at the same time. Checking your phone, glancing at someone else, or appearing impatient will cause the speaker to shut down and everyone loses.

Do you often find yourself in the company of good listeners? It takes listening skills to develop your empathic nature and create a solid foundation on which to build any successful relationship. Even the best listeners are continually working at it. Would you describe yourself as a good listener? Why or why not?

Research has shown that there’s a direct correlation between strong leadership and strong listening skills and it’s no surprise that the CEO of Virgin Group, Richard Branson says, “the most effective leaders and entrepreneurs listen more than they speak.”

Brilliant ideas can spring from the most unlikely places. Great leaders listen to people, draw people out and learn from them. Practice implementing these listening skills and you’ll not only open your mind, but you’ll expand your knowledge, enrich your communication skills, and deepen your relationships.